05 – Attraction Outside Marriage

Have you ever found yourself attracted to someone who wasn’t your spouse?

That’s what we’re going to be talking about today.

This is Couples Coaching and I’m Natalie Clay.

Now before we get started, I want to tell you a little thing that happened this morning.

My husband, Joseph Clay, who you met in the first episode, is super kind and edits these podcasts for me. This morning as he was walking out the door, he said, “Okay, what’s the one thing you’re going to remember when you record your podcast today?” 

And I said, “Not to be so robotic and to talk slow?”

And he’s like, “No, just talk really close to the mic.”

So I hope you guys can understand me. I’m trying to remember to speak right next to the mic.

We tend to think that there’s a certain type of person that might have an affair, and I think if we are honest with ourselves, it feels safe and comfortable to think we would never have an affair.

But I think it’s helpful to really take a look at what goes on and why having an affair can actually be something that can happen very quickly. You might find yourself in a position where this seems like a much more likely option than you were ever comfortable admitting in the past.

Now I’m also coming at this from the angle of you’re married, and you don’t want to have an affair.

And I know that’s not always the case.

I know some people go out and look for people to have affairs with — there’s websites that can help you connect that way.

But those are not the people that I’m speaking to today.

I’m speaking to people that find themselves attracted to somebody else who is not their spouse when they’re wanting to stay married to their spouse and to understand everything that’s going on.

According to Helen Fisher, who is a biological anthropologist, 56% of men and 34% of women who have affairs claimed that they were either happy or very happy in their marriage at the time of the affair. This goes along well with what I teach my clients, which is if your spouse has an affair, that has nothing to do with you.

I want to be really clear on that. There’s not something you should have done better. You shouldn’t have had sex more often. You shouldn’t have made dinners more regularly. Whatever it is, that’s not the reason they had an affair. So let’s just start by separating that. 

Now, it might surprise you to know that I am not a neurochemist. but I find the study of neurochemicals in our brain and the roles they play to be so fascinating, because they really do influence the thoughts that we have and our motivations for things. There’s a lot of reasons for why we behave the way we do.

As it turns out, it doesn’t come down to our goodness. If you find yourself feeling attracted to another person, or you find out your spouse is attracted to another person, maybe you’re still just as good as the day you were born. Maybe it just tells you something about your brain functioning and nothing’s gone wrong. I’m not suggesting that we don’t have free agency. Of course, the choice is always ours, but I found this study to be really helpful to try to understand why this happens so easily. 

According to psychologist Karen Young, we have three brain systems that are designed to drive us to seek out and maintain intimate connections. The first is the sex drive and it makes sense that we would have a sex drive or else our species would no longer survive. The second is attraction, or romantic love, and this is our longing to be with one person.

Now, there are really powerful neurochemicals that are released when we find a person that we are attracted to. Our brains release dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin. These are all flooding through our body, and it creates this really euphoric feeling. That’s why it feels so amazing to fall in love. It also focuses our energy on that one person.

Serotonin is an interesting neurochemical because it’s involved in mood regulation and social behavior. It can affect our appetite, digestion, sleep, memory, sexual desire. I know I experience sleeplessness and loss of appetite when I’m in love.

I remember when I was dating my husband, I lost a ton of weight. A girl at work asked me, “How did you lose so much weight?” And, I was like, “Oh, well, I don’t know. I’m dating this guy and I just haven’t been thinking about food as much.” And she’s like, “Oh, you’re in love. I hate you.”

There is a connection there. But what’s so interesting is all these neurochemicals that get released and light up the pleasure center of the brain is the exact same area that lights up when somebody injects themselves with cocaine. That’s why falling in love truly can be an addictive high.

The third brain system is attachment. When the body starts to achieve attachment, we develop a tolerance to the euphoria of the attraction phase. The hormones vasopressin and oxytocin flood through the body that brings feelings of security, calmness and well-being indicative of an enduring relationship.

Now when we step back, it’s easy to see why our brains are hardwired this way. They are likely the reason that we have not only survived but thrived as a species. But here’s something interesting to note. Over time in a relationship, dopamine, which is the neurochemical that drives feelings of pleasure and motivation, starts to diminish.

Now the reason I love to learn about the neurochemistry going on in our brain is because our typical response to things like feeling attraction for another person is to give it so much truth and validity as if this experience we’re having is outside of our control. But when we start learning all these different ways that our brain is driven to find these connections, then we get to decide what we want to make it mean.

First of all, I think it really helps to know that it’s very possible you might find yourself attracted to someone else, and that doesn’t mean anything about your marriage, doesn’t mean anything about your spouse, and it doesn’t mean anything about you. It means you have a functioning brain.

Now, one of the major advantages we have as being humans is that we have a higher brain. We can think deliberately and make choices deliberately and not just respond to our impulses. But when we start thinking, “Oh, maybe there’s something wrong with my marriage” or “I wouldn’t be attracted to this person,” then, guess what that makes us feel? That makes us feel resentment. Or it might make us feel guilt. Whatever it is, it’s making us feel something bad.

And do you want to know a really easy way to feel good when you’re feeling bad? Be around somebody who allows you to think thoughts that light up the pleasure center in your brain.

I want to talk about the progression that I’ve seen with my clients just in case you find yourself being able to relate in any way. What I find is the places we spend the most time, whether that’s at work, whether it’s at the gym, whether it’s with a group of friends, wherever you find yourself spending the most time…that’s the place where you are most likely going to find yourself attracted to another person.

It’s not a mystery. We’re getting to know one another. We’re allowing ourselves to feel connection. Sometimes we even mistakenly allow ourselves to feel as if this person gets us in a way that our spouse doesn’t, that we just connect on a deeper level. All of that is coming from your thoughts. It’s truly not coming from anything the other person said.

Now, I’m not going to say there’s not people that you’re just more comfortable being around, but it really does all go back to your thoughts. So I just like to take the ownership back over that.

Here’s the next thing I notice: when somebody comes to me and tells me that they’re having some feelings for someone at work (this is hypothetical, by the way) then the next thing that I hear is, “You know, my husband really doesn’t listen to me, he just doesn’t care. He’s just so absent. It’s hard to really even feelIf invested in my marriage at this point.”

Now this is your experience. Just know to expect it.

But this is totally normal because as your brain is seeking that connection with someone else, where it can get a more intense pleasure hit, the result is then for you to decide you’re out of integrity with yourself and feel guilty and that doesn’t feel good.

Or we can then feel justified in thinking our spouse is really not doing a good job making our life enjoyable and, in fact, we even then go as far as to trick ourselves into thinking maybe this other person is the answer.

Now I can promise you that that’s not true. No, I’m not suggesting that really you are happy in your marriage. But keep in mind that if you do decide to pursue this other relationship, you’re taking you with you and the experience you’re having in your current relationship is because of your thoughts and you will be taking your thoughts with you.

I cannot stress enough how clever the brain is when it’s seeking these neurochemicals and that results in all sorts of thoughts. It’s so interesting to sit back and watch my clients who are dealing with this and all the thoughts their brain spins on them. My advice to them in this situation is just observe your brain. Don’t judge yourself, just watch your brain freak out in any way it can to try to drive you to have more contact with this person. 

Now again, because we’re all wired to seek pleasure, I want you to also consider what this other person is seeking. It feels like their sole mission is to just make you feel loved because maybe they are the one that just loves you more than anyone else could love you. If that’s the case, then it’s all coming from this selfless place of…of course they want to just make you feel loved and want to tell you how great you are and how funny you are and all the things.

But when we look at what motivates them, they are also seeking pleasure. Often, if they’re married, they’re also trying to escape some negative self-talk, some pain. If that’s the case, then why would they be telling you all these really nice things?

I’m not suggesting they don’t care about you at all, but when they tell you really nice things, guess what you do. You tell them really nice things in return. You allow yourself to feel appreciated and loved. And that also makes them feel like they are somehow doing an amazing job. They are just trying to feel something.

So, I know that sounds a lot sexier than the story you have in your head about this other person, but I do like to kind of demystify it an let you know what’s actually going on with the functioning of your brain, because it truly isn’t a mystery.

There isn’t one person out there that’s going to make your life so much better in an instant.

It’s just not the case.

Now also, people come to me and tell me how their spouse isn’t amazing, and even though they weren’t thinking about leaving the marriage before, they certainly are now because now they know what a relationship can really feel like. I would suggest that that’s not the best time to leave your marriage because you don’t want to make a decision like that coming from that emotion.

You want to make a decision like that based on reasons you like, not by escaping a situation that you’re not currently managing your mind around.

So then, here’s what happens next. We decide maybe we’ll just have a little bit of contact and what we’re basically saying, going back to this idea that this lights up the same pleasure center in our brain as cocaine, what you’re basically saying is… I’m going to go sit in the crack house, but I’m just going to watch. And I’m just going to think about how good it feels to be on cocaine. But I’m for sure not going to do cocaine. 

Now that might seem extreme, but that really is very similar to what’s going on in your head and what you’re basically setting yourself up for is to rely on willpower. But willpower runs out. There really is a limited supply of willpower, so I wouldn’t suggest that’s the safest way to go. Every time they text you and you feel that buzz and then you text back and you feel that buzz, you are just deepening that group in your brain that says this is how we feel pleasure. In turn, that makes the desire to receive pleasure even stronger.

So, if you are at the very beginning of this process and you’ve decided to have some limited contact with them…I’m not here to tell you how to function in your life, but I would suggest that you ask yourself why? To what end? How does it serve you in anyway to have limited contact with them?

I was just working with somebody who was in this exact situation. She decided “we’re going to text three times a year and that’s it.”

When I said, “okay, but why? I’m just curious without any judgment. What is your reason for wanting to have text communication with this person three times a year?” And she said, “Well, I just feel like it would be really mean and I do still want to be his friend.”

Now, see how tricky our brains are at in that moment? Doesn’t that seem so nice and so kind and loving? 

The problem with that is that was her acting out of integrity with herself, because first of all, this man is married. She’s married. This man’s wife doesn’t know that she’s having any contact with him. And so when she really asked herself the question, why, it’s because she wants to feel that connection. She wants to feel like the cocaine is still here, just in case I want it later. It feels really scary to let go of that and to decide, “I’m not going to have any more contact. I’m going to block the number. I’m just going to allow myself to think about that story any way I want to in my mind, and I can certainly think pleasant thoughts about that person if I want to. But I’m going to allow myself to move forward into my future.”

This brings us to the idea of the two types of discomfort that I learned from Brooke Castillo in my training. We have this idea that we want to feel good and it feels terrible to feel bad. In this situation, my client really wanted to text this man because it feels so good. But oftentimes we think “Okay, I just want to feel good. I’m going to go easy on myself. This is too hard. I’m just going to feel good.”

But what we’re essentially doing in that moment when we are acting out of integrity with our self is delaying the feeling bad part. She’s saying, “I’m going to feel good now and text him.” But then what happens after she has all these thoughts? She has all this guilt and she’s basically delaying that part that feels really terrible.

What I suggest is you practice swapping the two. Just know that you’re not going to escape discomfort either way, and that’s okay. We can handle some discomfort. Decide, instead, I’m going to make this decision with my higher brain. I want to make this choice based on what’s in line with my integrity and decide ahead of time. Instead of texting, I’m going to let it feel terrible while my brain freaks out and does everything it can to tell me how terrible I am, how terrible my spouse is, how terrible my life is in order to drive me to that pleasure and that neurochemical release. 

When you decide to just allow that feeling, it’s really not so terrible. You just feel deprived in the moment, but if you really try to go into your body and see what that feels like, it’s manageable.

If she decides to feel terrible on the front end, then she feels bad right now, but guess what happens on the other end of that? The next day she wakes up and she gets to feel good. She gets to feel really proud of herself for acting in the name of her integrity, doing the harder thing in the name of the thing she really wants more.

If this is something you’re struggling with, here is something I want you to keep in mind: your brain is going to tell you so many things, but I just want you to consider that there really are no true thoughts. There are just thoughts that serve us and thoughts that don’t. So if you have a repeated thought that feels so true, I would just decide that’s not getting me to the result I want in my life, and so I’m going to choose deliberately to just set it aside.

I hope I’ve also been clear on this idea that it’s going to feel terrible. There’s no way to get yourself to a point where you can think just the right thought and feel amazing as you try to let go of some of this biological connection that you’re feeling towards this person. But that’s OK. Just let it feel terrible. It’s not going to be forever. When your brain tells you might miss this person forever, the reality is you might have a couple of moments where you think about them and miss them. And that’s okay.

When we make decisions based on our integrity, not based on our feelings and our desires and our passions, that’s how we truly build a better relationship with ourselves. So practice choosing your thoughts deliberately. Your brain is always going to offer you a ton of thoughts, but remember, it might have a different end goal in mind then you do. So, don’t just wait to feel what you want to feel. Choose thoughts deliberately to create the feeling you want to have.

And finally, I want to add that we have the opportunity to change the experience we’re having in our marriage every step of the way. I work with people who are newly married. I work with people who are empty nesters and it’s all the same thing I hear over and over — that we want to feel connected. We want to feel like we’re okay.

You are okay.

Maybe if we just lived in faith and confidence and hope, our experience in our marriage would be a lot better than living in fear and not feeling like we need to protect ourselves from danger.

It’s so interesting to see the way our brains function. But I want you to take that information and you take control of your brain. It’s too easy to just act on our impulses. This happens in terms of eating, in terms of sex, in terms of pleasure. 

Be the manager of your brain and remember…of all the emotions you can choose, love feels the very best.