06 – Sex & Intimacy

Does sex feel like an obligation for you, or does it seem like a chance for you to feel some rejection? Today we’re talking about how to use sex to bring you closer and how to stop it from causing resentment in your marriage.

Our topic today is sex and intimacy. This is Couples Coaching and I’m Natalie Clay. 

The topic of sex is a very stressful one for a lot of couples. If it feels this way for you, you are definitely not alone. I would say you are not even in the minority. Once we’re married and all the neuro chemicals in our brain start to settle, sexual desire doesn’t land at the same place for each of us. I used to think this was a really negative thing. It seemed so unfortunate. But I don’t think that anymore.

Today we’re going to talk about how to increase intimacy through sex. I don’t care where you’re at in your sex life, I hope this podcast will help you figure out exactly where you want to be and start heading in that direction.

One of the definitions Google gives for intimacy that I really like is a private, cozy atmosphere. There are few things that I like more than feeling cozy. Like every year on my birthday, my favorite thing to do is sleep in a little bit, get up, have some breakfast, and then go back to bed. It’s like the ultimate cozy feeling for me. 

In terms of sex, sex itself does not have the power to increase or decrease intimacy. The number of times we’re having sex doesn’t do that for us either.

If you don’t believe me, I want you to think about when you were having sex to try and have a baby. So many times, you were both tired and it was the last thing either of you wanted to do, but the timing was just right. So, in the name of the common goal, you both rallied and decided to make it happen. Now there probably wasn’t a lot of cozy feelings happening, but hopefully you were able to feel some connection looking towards this common goal.

For the sake of this podcast, I’m going to be generalizing by referring to the man as the higher desire partner and the woman as the lower desire partner. I know this definitely isn’t always the case, but this is where the majority of my couples fall. And so, just for ease, that’s the point of reference I’ll be coming from. Of course, if you are a woman and the higher desire partner, or if you’re the man and the lower desire partner, simply switch up what I’m saying as it relates to you.

I want to start by telling you that there is no number when it comes to frequency of sex that determines how healthy or unhealthy your relationship is. There is no number. There is no number. Please, for the love of your marriage, get rid of the quotas.

This is the very first step toward a good sex life. And by sex life, I mean having a sex life that leads to greater intimacy.

As far as frequency and infrequency goes, it’s all over the map. Someone can tell me that their sex life is really infrequent, and that might mean they have sex twice a month, where for other couples that might mean twice in the last five years. The number of times you have sex is not what’s causing you to connect or disconnect in your marriage. I want to be really clear about this.

If you find yourself keeping track of the number of times you’ve had sex, I’m going to take a guess that here’s what you’re really wanting to believe: 

1. We’ve done it enough times this week that I can say no if he asks again tonight
2. That my husband is getting enough sex, so he won’t stray or look at pornography
3. That my wife isn’t selfishly neglecting my needs in the name of her wants
4. I’m desirable

The problem with any one of those thoughts is that they’re driven by fear and fear does nothing to increase intimacy between a couple. Instead, it just turns sex into another thing on your “To Do List.” Resetting the “Countdown to Sex Clock “ each time it happens.

Another problem with having sex from fear is that it gives you this false sense of control over your husband’s goings on. You have to know that you have no control over your husband’s pornography or his infidelity habits. For better or for worse, there are plenty of people having daily sex that are still looking at pornography and sometimes finding time and energy for a relationship outside of their marriage. 

So, the point is, never stop worrying. Actually, that’s not the point. The real point is worrying just feels lousy and it doesn’t change anything at all. It certainly doesn’t control your husband. I suggest letting go of the worry and just decide that you’re going to deal with the future. However it comes, you can and you will. No matter what it looks like.

Now, if you are the higher desire partner or the man in our scenario and you have some idea in your head of what you should be able to expect in terms of frequency, then you’re setting yourself up to feel very powerless, resentful and often victimized.

Now, I’m not Cosmopolitan magazine over here, but here’s a sex tip: resenting your partner is not a turn on. Although as we just discussed, fear does often drive a woman to sex. But you are both missing out on the chance for intimacy under these conditions.

Let’s take a look at what might be going on for both partners in an unmatched sexual desire relationship. From women, I hear things like, “I’m worried that if I don’t have sex often enough, he might leave me one day.” Or, “I feel so much pressure when it comes to sex. It’s never enough and that scares me.” Or, “I feel like he just doesn’t even care about me at all. He just wants sex for the physical pleasure. I feel like I’m just an object to him.” And “I hate my body and sex brings that out even more.”

There’s a lot said about the messaging women receive in our society in terms of how our worth relates to sexuality. We have a long way to go in valuing women simply because they are human on this planet.

This reminds me back when I was living with one of my roommates when I was single in New York. My roommate, Renee, and I were watching TV and a commercial came on. It was a cosmetics commercial and she said, “Hey, guess what guys? Sexy is in this spring! Who knew?” And, of course, we laughed because, as women, we know sexy is always in for us.

I think we have some ideas of the messaging coming at women, but what we don’t talk about nearly enough is the messaging coming at men. Take a minute to think about the type of man society has deemed “sexy.” Just for fun and because it’s clearly the source of all truth, I looked to see who People Magazine decided was the sexiest man of 2019. Are you ready for this? The sexiest man of 2019 might shock you, but…then again it might not, because he was also the sexiest man of 2018. Idris Elba. Other sexy men, according to People, were David Beckham, Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling.

Now, as a man living in our society, what messages do you get from these role models when it comes to sex? I like to use Ryan Gosling as our example. Think of the characters he plays. If he wants to have sex with a woman in a movie, she’ll likely be beautiful but also very insecure and insistent that sex is off the table. But, because of his sexiness, he can convince her to obtain sexual pleasure that she never knew she ever wanted, let alone was capable of achieving.

Now there’s obviously a lot wrong with the scenario, but taking it from a man’s perspective, what message is that sending? If you handle a woman the way you should, no woman can resist. It’s pretty easy to start to understand why so many men that I talk to feel intense personal rejection when their wife doesn’t want to have sex. It comes down to whether they are a “real” man, for heaven’s sake. It’s the ultimate rejection of all things we deem manly in society. A woman can’t help but be in the mood for a “real” man. And, of course, I have to call BS on that.

To all the men listening to this, your wife’s level of desire has nothing to do with you. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Her level of desire comes from her thoughts, mostly her thoughts about her. Maybe she’s tired, maybe she feels out of sorts with her pregnant or post-partum body. Likely, she’s thinking about all the things that need to get done, and maybe some about what you’re thinking about her. Or maybe she just isn’t feeling sexual desire and that sleep, not sex, makes for the perfect way to end the day.

So what’s the solution?

The answer is not to tell her she’s beautiful, although that never hurt anything. Or, clean the house so that she can feel calm —but, of course, that never hurts anything either. That may win you some appreciation points, but it’s really not likely to increase her sexual desire. If that’s your sole reason for cleaning, then you can just add resentment on top of your pile of self-defeating emotions.

So here is the solution to all the unmatched desire…Are you ready?

It’s one of my favorite points to make with couples or anyone in any type of relationship for that matter. Simply strip away all the drama and just look at the facts.

Your level of desire is unequal. So what? When you think about it, the discomfort of going without sex—or the discomfort of having sex when you’re not in the mood — that’s really not such a big deal. It only becomes a big deal when we make it a big deal. Like, “there must be something so wrong with you.” Or, “your marriage is a sham.” Or, “Your wife is super selfish.” Or, “someone else would make you happier.” Those are lies. All lies and none of these lies brings you closer to an intimate relationship. 

Now, I have had clients that feel nervous to abandon their self-loathing on this subject. Citing expert advice from their therapists who said if their wife wasn’t willing to have more sex that was grounds for divorce. Now, if staring down a possible divorce doesn’t get you in the mood, I don’t know what will. Surely nothing spices up a marriage like fear and self-loathing.

So what is a productive way to move forward given our unequal desires when we want to achieve intimacy? I suggest compromise. Not the kind of compromise where everything is almost 50/50. That ratio is poison to a marriage, regardless of the topic, by the way. But a compromise that comes from a desire to love one another even better than we used to. Let’s just decide we’re all individuals and our level of sexual desire is different, and it changes every day.

My favorite reason for a married couple to have sex is just because they want to. So if your husband wants to have sex, that alone is a good enough reason to have sex. And if you don’t want to have sex, that’s a good enough reason not to have sex.

So as soon as we decide we don’t have to justify our positions, because, again, it doesn’t mean anything about us as individuals, and it also doesn’t mean anything about how we feel about our spouse, then the conversation becomes much simpler.

It’s just a matter of how is this going to work for both of us? And just like almost everything else in life and marriage, that means sometimes it’s going to go the way you want. And sometimes it’s not. All of it is there for your growth and for you to have even more of an opportunity to demonstrate love and compassion.

Start by sharing this podcast with your spouse. Then have an open conversation about it. Is there a number of times you can both feel comfortable committing to in the name of establishing a regular routine of sex? This is where I suggest you begin so that you can start developing some normalcy for the both of you while at the same time figuring out how to make your sex life not a big weight.

So start small. Saturday, decide who’s going to initiate. Take all the drama out of it by not expecting it to be amazing for either of you. This is important. Take full control over your own experience and stay out of your partner’s head. Be as clear as you can about what you’re comfortable with and what you aren’t. There are no “shoulds.” And, if either one of you aren’t comfortable with anything proposed, it’s a no.

Now when this day comes, the day that you have appointed for sex, if either one of you can’t get to a loving place to follow through on the commitment, use it as information, not an opportunity to feel hurt or angry. There’s going to be a learning curve here. Maybe morning isn’t the best time for the two of you. Maybe afternoon is, maybe it’s not. You’re going to have to play around with this until you figure out what works. Be open to that process. Don’t be looking for ways to feel hurt or you will find them. 

Men, don’t look to your wife’s enjoyment to enjoy it. I know this feels so opposite from what you’ve been told your whole life. Where again, let’s go back to the movies when there was this idea that men were very selfish in bed, or they were unselfish in bed. I’m giving you full permission to be selfish in bed. If she says she’s open to sex, expect no more than that. Just love her for being there for you. She wouldn’t be if she didn’t want to, so allow that to be what it is.

Women, do not have sex unless you can get to a loving place or it will only create resentment. Your husband feels vulnerable, so assume the best about all of his intentions and relax. You haven’t lost any control over your body in this moment. You have chosen this in the name of the intimacy you want in your marriage.

And please, everyone keep in mind, it’s so easy to love each other when we agree. It’s easy to have sex when we’re both in the mood. But marriage isn’t supposed to be easy. It will kick your tail or it will make you grow in ways you couldn’t otherwise. It really is up to you which option you choose.

And as I always say, of all the emotions you can choose to feel, love feels the very best.

If anything you heard today resonated with you and you are interested in getting further help from me, just go to natalieclay.com. There’s some helpful free information on that site for you, and there’s also the link to tell you how you can work with me in the future. You can also sign up for my weekly email list Thrive where I send out free tips to improve your marriage today.