10 – Quieting the “Shoulds”

What should you do?

Should you marry that person? Should you get divorced? Should you remarry? Should you have more kids? Should you try to work it out? Today I’m going to tell you exactly what you should do.

This is Couples Coaching and I’m Natalie Clay.

We spend a whole lot of time trying to understand what it is we “should” do. Now, I want to throw out a radical idea: there are no “shoulds.”

I always start my new client sessions by asking people what made them decide to get coaching, and here are some of the responses I’ve received:

• I just found out my wife had an affair, so I guess I should leave her.
• My husband is able but unwilling to work, but of course he should work. Isn’t that what the church teaches?
• My wife wants kids, so I think I should too.
• My husband left the church, and, in the name of solidarity, he wants me to leave as well. I’m not sure what I should do.

Consider this: all we ever want in life is to feel something. That’s it. We want to get to emotions that feel good and we want to avoid emotions that feel bad.

If you feel like you should do something, always look at your reasons why. It’s amazing how many times we put a ton of energy into something because we think we should, but when we take a step back, our reasons don’t support it.

When this is the case, one of two things tend to happen.

First, we either set ourselves up for a ton of work to convince ourselves that our should trumps what we actually want, which tends to lead to self-loathing, by the way. 

Or, two, we make a decision to please someone else. If you’ve listened to any of my podcasts in the past, you know what happens when we sacrifice what we want in the name of pleasing someone else. Yep, resentment.

I was recently coaching a woman whose husband had passed away and she’s back in the dating world and when we talked it through, she got to this point of realizing, “wait, maybe I don’t need to get remarried.” It was as if this idea had never even occurred to her. 

We do this a lot. A lot of us have this set idea on what our lives are supposed to look like, and we just don’t even question it. So before making decisions, I think it’s good to examine where the idea came from. 

Let’s go along with this idea that all we ever want is to feel something. The key to obtaining confidence in your ability to decide is to see that circumstances really don’t make us feel anything. This means we can decide to do whatever we want to do and make it the right choice.

Here’s an example. So, my husband and I lived in New York City for over a decade. We both moved out there single without jobs and decided independently that we both really wanted to live there. We met out there, we got married, and were living our best lives in the big city. Think about fantastic restaurants, amazing museums, and walking through various neighborhoods that would end in fantastic people watching and new discoveries all the time. We lived in Park Slope, Brooklyn, in a charming one-bedroom apartment and life was pretty fantastic. At least, that’s how I choose to remember it.

Now, skip to a few years later, when we had three young kids in the same one bedroom, 4th floor, walkup in Park Slope. Things became slightly less charming with fewer museum strolls and lots more lugging kids, carriers, a double stroller, and a portable toilet for potty training.

By this point, we were both wanting to move back west, but I just kept thinking we can’t move when we have three kids when we don’t have jobs or health insurance out there. We have to lock that down before we can move.

That “should” came from a belief I held that it’s irresponsible to move without health insurance and income in place. That easily felt like a fact to me. I didn’t even think to question it.

Until I did. Because time went on, and those stairs did too. 

I remember clearly when I was riding on the subway into Manhattan with my three little kids to meet Joseph after work one day. He worked right near Rockefeller Center and it was Christmas time, so we were going to see the tree on the train ride.

I had the thought, “maybe we could just move without jobs or health insurance.” The second I had the thought, it was like I gave myself permission to completely change our option.

On the train ride home, I told Joseph, “I think I’m ready to move now. I think it’s time.”

One of my favorite things about Joseph and one of the things that makes us the most compatible is that we’re both up for things that other people might find irresponsible. Or, let’s be honest, absurd. I’m not going to say that this has always been to our benefit in every moment. But overall, it’s something I love about our relationship. 

He had gotten to this point before me. So he said, “Great. Let’s do it!” 

We both decided we like Salt Lake and thought, “Why not be there for the 24th of July? That sounds fun.” So, we booked movers for July 22nd, ordered some boxes, and that was that.

Questioning the “should” opens you up to the “coulds.”

We are amazingly capable at solving problems, especially when it comes to taking care of our offspring, so of course we worked it out. Joseph even ended up having a job in Salt Lake before we moved, but the conversation that led to that opportunity wouldn’t have even occurred if we were doing things according to the way we thought we were supposed to.

So now, anytime I hear my brain say “I should” do something, that’s a cue for me to take note and look closer.

When I hear people say that middle school is the worst, but it’s just something you “have to do,” my instinct is to now rebel. Why couldn’t we just homeschool for those two years and make it a time to connect and travel with one of our kids at a time? Now, I’m not sure what we’re going to do about middle school, but I know that I will make the decision deliberately and not just because it’s what we think we “should” do.

My point in all of this is for you to take back authority over your decisions. There are no “shoulds.” There is no situation whereby you should leave your husband or wife. There are no “shoulds” whereby you should stay. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Only you know what’s right for you.

I think sometimes when we are beginning to understand this concept, we feel like it’s supposed to bring us peace and confidence in moving forward. But it’s better to accept that, in most decisions we’re going to make as adults, there is going to be some moments of difficulty and some moments of relief, regardless of what we choose.

So now what?

I hear people saying they are afraid to leave a difficult relationship because what if they never feel this way about another person? Or, what if they never find anyone else? Or, what if they miss them? What if…

When we make decisions about our future based on fear, we feel terrible. It just ensures the outcome.

So, try asking yourself a more useful question. What if there are always amazing experiences waiting for me down the road?

There is no such thing as “this is it. This is as good as it gets.” Unless you choose to view it that way.

If you believed that there were always good things to come, what choice would you make? That’s called acting from faith or hope, and that’s going to get you results you like every time.

Don’t take action from fear. Fear ensures the outcome you worry will happen. If I’m afraid the future will be terrible, I ensure that I feel terrible right now.

Listen for your “shoulds” and question them all. What belief led to your “should?” Do you like your reason for believing it? If not, let it go. Get in touch with what you want. What feels like you?

You will enjoy your marriage so much more when you reconnect with who you are and what you desire at your core. There’s no reason it should align with anything society offers. You get to decide what your story should be.

Now another important part of this is to let go of other people’s stories. You don’t know how your spouse and kids and in-laws need to learn the lessons they are here to learn. You aren’t entitled to that.

Finally, just know that regret is optional. When people tell me they’re afraid of going after what they want because of possible regret, I say, “So what if you do regret it?” You may have moments of sadness or regret now, but regret isn’t something that takes hold of you, and you’re enslaved to it for life.

It’s a feeling that comes only from your thoughts and that’s it. And guess what? You can always choose new thoughts if you want to.

The key is just do what feels like love and choose to make it the right choice. Because of all the emotions you can choose to feel, love feels the very best.

If you like anything you’ve heard and you would like personal help in your marriage, come join me in Marriage Lab, where you can get coached live on any topic that’s bothering you.

Just go to natalieclay.com to register.